If it was a mistake, it was a beautiful one.: May 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
「 dancing away Thursday, May 15, 2008 」


Been many ups and downs lately. Did something very wrong today. Man.. when will I change. Then I read someone's blog. U haven nv change too. Such pure and passionate heart. U nv fail to touch me with any words u say even in ur weaknesses. I really miss you. Missed ur guidance and care. Missed ur scoldings too... haha... My heart is still aching badly. I still feel like a broken child being driven out of my home. Love and hate.... I want to come home, but think it's too late..... Why... Why?? I really really wanted to know why.

.... Anyway, I'm inspired to stand strong again. I will move on. Not by my own strength. No Lord, I dont want that to happen. I want U o Lord to guide me. U increase and I decrease. Sorry that I dissapointed u again... But please nv leave me, stay near me, guide me, teach me and help me through this...........


Friday, May 09, 2008
「 dancing away Friday, May 09, 2008 」


Been pretty emo the last few days. Not necessary in a bad way. I've been thinking of all the good old times. And yea, some struggles and problems lately. tough. But I'm glad pastor shared the message last Sunday. Touch me deeply. I heard of that message before but this time it is a revelation. As pastor was preaching, I start seeing visions and dreams coming alive once again. Tears uncontrollably flow down my cheeks. China. Yes. China. I will remember China.

Anyway, this season has been an interesting one. I believe God is teaching me a lot on relationships, especially first with God. There's this hunger for the Lord like nv before, it's.. it's.. it's just different. Different from the past. It's a new season. New level of trust. I love God, but not necessary the way He teaches me things. haha.

Anyway, yea. Series of things happened over the last few weeks. Had a primary school gathering last week. Unbelievable isn't it? 16people turned up. I was really happy to meet these old friends again. Qiaolin and Jiayi have nv change. Still the same. Always laughing. And I can never forget Qiaolin's laughter. Like anytime can collapse from asthma attack. Muahaha. It was truly an enjoyable time of catching up. I regretted having to leave earlier. Yea, it was great. It didn't turn out to be like what the TV drama always show, old friends meeting up, just trying to compete status, income, glory. In fact, I just simply enjoy sitting among them, listening to their chit chats. It's heartening to see how all of us have grown up and have move on with life. And it's interesting how I still can recognise everybody. I mean, we all still look the same. The faces are like photocopied, enlarged from primary school. HAa. Most importantly, I'm really glad that innocence, that genuine concern can be felt for one another. Really. I really appreciated that. In this dog eat dog world, it's hard to find true friends anymore. You know, its not like close close friends, but friends who just know and accept you for who you are. Not that I'm bias, but I really think 6F people are really wonderful. We are not perfect or ultra smart. But. I can imagine how a gathering will be like for 6A people. Cos I still see some of them now and then. I can imagine the stench of snobbishness in the air.

Back to the topic, relationship. Yea, been thinking a lot for my family lately. Thinking what I can do for my parents especially. They are hard working people, but I hate to see them toiling day and night. Really want to let them enjoy a comfortable life soon. I hope I can earn enough money in one year's time, that I can easily afford an Asia tour for my parents. Poor dad has nv been outside of Singapore before except for Johor Baru and Genting. And its like more than ten years ago. I want them to be happy. Lord, help me.

And yes, I thought of my previous cell. Frankly, I really miss them all. From Evelyn's time, to Veron's Time, to N119. You have no idea how much I miss everyone. I know I didnt do a good farewell when I left. Really sorry about it. Because I didnt know how to react. Leaving the previous cell to victor's zone was a great impact to me. I somewhat still cannot move on from it. Im too use to the way we use to be. 5yrs. FIVE YEARS. And it was an incredible life changing five years. How can I just be moved out and expected to be as usual. But then again, the move made me realise that there's a bigger world out there. And it was then that I knew that I have to move again. Many didnt know but it took me one year to have the courage to make this choice. I knew I will face a lot of obstacles and misunderstanding. But I didnt it anyway.

I'm so proud of enling. I rmb how it was a bold step for her to make this choice to join us. In fact, I thought it was a miracle when she told me she wanna come with me, considering the 'squareness'... ops. haaha. No la, but I rmb how she bomb and haunt me with questions, in the canteen, on the tracks and even in toilets. I'm really blessed to see how she has grew over the years. And I wondered how she tolerate my stupidity and religiousity when I stop her from gg to Charmaine's service. hope u have forgiven me :)

Oyes, clement. I rmb how I used to find him annoying sometimes (I say USED TO, I love u bro) because of his boylishness. But he always surprises me with some spontaneous mature and wise talk that I nv expect from him! Btw clement, u have a great voice, and is great with music, just need polishing, keep it up. And yea, don't ever belittle urself, u have great potential ;)

Elly is one person I always respect and get inspired by. No matter what she goes through, she is still the same old faithful Elly. And she's like a lamb, always innocent, of no bad intentions. Even she has, she will tell u. ahah! That's what I really like about her. A very genuine friend.

Alex. I never like or understand his jokes. But really, he is such a generous person. It's hard to find such people nowadays. I always see him as a big brother who protects us. He may not see it but I always see him as someone who take care of us. I rmb how he was there to resolve issues with troublesome people or situation. Many times I was really awed by his patience to deal with these issues. I will always rmb what he told me at chomp chomp, no matter how difficult things may get, he will never give up, he will never let go.

And yea, I didnt forget Huizhen, Im really blessed to know her. I knew you look up to me and expected a lot from me, but sorry that I let you down. You are really such a faithful friend. I feel encourage whenever I think of all the surprises and initiative u took. I always love to see you do things because u do it with passion and with an attentive heart. But please watch ur temper yar. My temper is weird enough. Haa.

ahh.. there's so many people on my mind.. esther, victor, leonard, emil, junjie..etc. so many. I miss everybody. But I was too comfortable. All I wanted was just to move out of my comfort zone. I hope I didnt move everyone out of my life. Hope to meet everyone soon.



Was reading en's blog a few days ago. Two particular statements struck me:

1) If you don't know what to say to someone, it's because you don't know the person.
2) If you want to do something well, you got to FOCUS on getting it right.

BTW, enling ur such a ku ku. Just let me copy n paste la. what squash ur tomato. ha ha.

I think I really don't know you. I don't know what to say anymore. And u DEFINITELY dunno me. And yes, the second point speaks for me.

I'm piss off not because I'm a perfectionist but simply because I believe in excellence. I believe in being passionate. If you insist that I'm so or simply picky. FINE. I really hate double mindedness.

I do this because I care for my family.
I do this because I care for my friends.
I do this because I care for the people around me.
Hell. You didn't even ask or care why I wanted to do this in the first place.
Pride and confidence is a thin line of difference. And you're definitely not in the latter category.


Thursday, May 08, 2008
「 dancing away Thursday, May 08, 2008 」


I'm holding on a rope
Got me 10 feet off the ground
I'm hearin' what you say but I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me then you go and cut me down
But wait
You tell me that you're sorry didn't think I'd turn around and say:
That it's too late to apologizeIt's too late
I said it's too late to apologize
It's too late
I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you
I need you like a heart needs a beat, it's nothing new
Yeah, yea
I loved you with a fire red now it's turning blue
And you say
Sorry lord, the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid
Its too late to apologize
Its too late
I said it's too late to apologize
It's too lateI'm holding on a rope
Got me 10 feet ooooooooooooooff the ground



It's almost too late bastard. dont test my patience.



Psalm 56:3 says, What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee. When you trust God and take little steps of faith, even when you're afraid, you can conquer intimidation.

This is absolutely what I need now. Mixed feelings.