If it was a mistake, it was a beautiful one.: October 2008
Thursday, October 09, 2008
「 dancing away Thursday, October 09, 2008 」


hm.. have been feeling pretty emo lately.. was feeling very numb and hard all these while actually. was wondering about a lot of things. what's my purpose here? why am I doing all theses? why am I NOT doing all these? am I finding excuses or I really see something's not working? can I go against my belief or conscience? do i love myself? do I hate myself? do i know what I am doing? I'm confused. I was a zombie.

I tot I knew it all, or at least what I wanted, or least who I am. then boss asked me, in fact fired me lots of questions that for the first time in a loonngg time, I began to doubt myself GREATLY. As in.. well.. example, one occassion boss said: are u sure ur a leader type of person? I really doubt ur a D and I person. Think something wrong with the personality test.

well.. I did similar kind of personality test 2001 times before and the results were rather consistent.. but i, even i, am beginning to doubt. maybe i have changed. maybe i have lost it. dunno.

back to where i said i was numb, i was like robot running on autopilot. then suddenly, out of nowhere, someone i didnt expect, puncture a hole on that wall by asking me some innocent questions, n now.. I'm feeling cracks. I'm feeling vulnerable. like suddenly.. i starts to feel again.. feel emo again.........
great. now i can feel depress and lost sense of my direction huh. argh.
just one year ago i tot that was the lowest point. haha, guess what? it broke the resistant line. now im like the wall street market, crashing like nobody's business, free falling. at least wall street has rules now tt u cant naked sell in time like this, I still have no 'government' now. hais. where r u my goverment? I hope this is the bottom of the trend already. well, i pray so.

just in the mist of all the pressure from all sides, in my ultra emo mode, i happened to watch this forgotten great movie in my american civilization class( i wonder why they bothered to call it a civilzation when.... *censored by bush administration*) Akeelah and the Bee. Cried tons. is the movie that touching? or I was finding an excuse to let out? anyway, there's this quote that really capture my mind, my soul, my spirit and whatsoever... and here it is:



Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

Marianne Williamson

amazing stuff huh? i'm not quite sure if i'll 'breakout' but i have decided that from now on, i'm gg to live, breathe, eat and think these words until it becomes part of me.

how bad can things be if it doesnt work yar? it already down the 10,000 line. who cares if it break the 9,000, 8,000 line.. even if it hits 0, it aint go negative.

ignore my figurative technical terms if u dont understand. nope, i have no gone bizarre. nope, not car accident that knock my head off tt i began to have weird habits of speaking in Greek. just some financial lessons that i have learn. trying to put into practice since i paid for much for it. making my money worth well =)


Tuesday, October 07, 2008
「 dancing away Tuesday, October 07, 2008 」


I don't feel like giving a damn anymore.. can I? All these sucks man